I choose Love

An email came in from a friend:

Dear Ms Kee

I'd say from the sound of your recent posts you aren't doing so good - and wow - even the title of the blog's changed. And all this in the morning before 10 am.

You can't say that it's just catharsis, one aspect of you, that's all - sorry, I won't buy that.

Let me make this very clear to you. Stop whining and making my Father look bad.

NOWHERE in the Bible does God say you must not marry a non-believer. And I take the Bible as the handbook to life.

In the Old Testament, God did express dismay at how the Israelites intermarried with the women of other tribes because they sometimes also took the religions of their wives. In a few cases, He actually asked that entire tribes be exterminated - genocide. Or 'ethnic cleansing' if you like.

I can't imagine having to obey an order like that - whether it comes from God or not. But I think His meaning is very clear. HE must come first, not any other god or any other god in the form of a spouse. Go check your commandments. I believe that's one of the big ones.

But you know, you could lose your religion just as easily through despair and the surrender of a very decent human being simply because he isn't what we call 'a believer'. How can you say he is not good enough to be your husband when God thought he was good enough to send his Son for?

In the New Testament, Paul does say that one should not be unequally yoked to a non-believer. That's sensible advice. As sensible as also saying that one can probably serve God with less to worry about if one were single. That's Paul's well-intended advice (and I agree with it). That's all. It is NOT a law or even a rule. But we have made it so.

Lots of people have made a big deal of this. It's part of the way the 'purity' of an in-group is maintained - and the control of some pastor who thinks he is God. You think Catholics are not Christian. How stupid. How pathetic. How unChristian. How denominational. We will have an awful lot to answer for when we face judgement - and it's not about stupid things like sex before marriage, taking drugs or even being gay.

Looking at your situation right now, I'd say you're more likely to keep the faith if you give this man the love he so clearly deserves (I trust your judgement on this). You will be strengthened because you will KNOW that you need God's help to stay true to God. You will need to pray - because only God can touch a man's heart - and God often does this through the good offices of a Proverbs 31 type woman.

So go - be a godly woman - and be godly with this very good man. I know that we've been advised not to carry out opposite-gender proselytization and this is probably correct in most situations. But this is a person you know already, as a person, not someone you approached on the street or who responded to altar call. This is a person you know personally, whom you obviously love deeply.

And you would leave his salvation to chance? Of course, his salvation is important to God, but God leaves us, His agents, to carry out His plans. And who better than the person who loves him most, after God?

Denise, follow you heart. Go love this wonderful man, but let your first love's Spirit guide you in this. And since God gives all of us the power of choice, you have the power now to help this man see the power of God's grace and love - and choose God for himself, knowing that he has a wonderful, godly woman by his side in this life's walk.


My reply:

Thank you for this.

No, I am not doing well. Purification cannot be done through painting or writing or ranting or screaming. These are just temporary release. They ease your pain for a while. But the root of the problem is still there. Those who are in pain are still in pain, they can never be happy, unless they find a treatment. In many cases, treatment can only be found if they know the cause. Your email has pointed me to the cause.

I ranted, I whined and I wrote depressive stuff on my blog. I was hoping for a catharsis. But it didn’t occur. “Wearing out” is my tantrum to our Father, your Father, his Father My tantrum: if life is this bad, take it back, please. I don’t care for it.

Your email brought some things to lights. I know I am unhappy with my situation. I just wasn’t sure what it was. Lots of things are going right, going well. I can count my blessings and the list is longer than the list of rock bands that I like.

I am not sure how you caught that. It’s probably your gift and a wonderful gift. You use it wisely.

I obeyed the “equally yoked” advice that Paul gave because it is a better path. I reckon the main function of a Christian is to bring the gospel to others and to bring salvation to others. So I centre my life choices round it. If I were with a godly man, we could do so many things to fulfill that function - raise our kids to have the right values and open our home to others for fellowship.

Every church has a dark side. Churches are run by imperfect people. Then the imperfect people attending the churches apply God’s words in their imperfect ways.

Well intended are my choices and my actions. But I am feeling pain, resentment and bitterness.

My friend said, “In relationships, we sacrifice for each other. But if we do it grudgingly, it is well, not a sacrifice.”

To follow that path or Paul’s advice, I had to make a sacrifice. I don’t like it. I am holding a grudge without realizing it and I have been letting it breed. It turns me into a monster.

I did more than writing depressing stuff on my blog. I have been viewing “dating Christian guys” as a chore I have to do, like a punishment that I have to bear. I do it grudgingly. I do it as if my fate is doomed, as if my chance at happiness is ruined. I have to date these or those Christian guys, whether I like it or not, because Paul advised so.

That is why I am not praying for a right Christian guy to cross my path because deep down inside I already think of him as someone who is coming to punish me. Ahead of me, I see a loveless marriage with a Christian guy, I see times when I have to grit my teeth to submit to him.

I can present a great theory of why we should all date Christian girls/guys. I can write a paper on it.

I put myself through quite terrible times; justifying, reading tons of biblical dating books, reference books.

I fully appreciate the benefits I would get walking on higher ground - marrying a Christian man. But I am not quite happy there. Because I am unhappy, I couldn’t fulfill the main function of being Christian. It defeats my initial motivation to follow that advice, i.e., to be godly. I can’t show how good my God is to the pre-believers, I can’t show them love being the way I am. If I persist, like what you said, I may even lose my faith.

The choice has been made. If there is a chance for me to choose again, I will choose otherwise. Right now, I can only ask God to help me deal with this resentment so that I can love others again instead of dwelling in my so called “injustice.”

My situation will turn around because He is who answers prayers.

My situation can now take a positive turn because of your email. I am very grateful for that. There is also an important lesson that I learn from your email and from this whole episode.

The bible is a handbook. The application of its words is very tricky and very hard. What I realized I did wrong is in trying to follow bible, I have forgotten to be loving and forgiving. I have been hard and judgmental. I have been unsympathetic towards others. Loving others is more important than everything else, I realise, now at a deeper level. Love is the theme of the bible, the reason for Jesus Christ’s death. To love others is more important than following something that erodes one’s capacity to love.

And yes, you are right. We have turned what Paul intended as an advice into a rule and our commandment. I have made myself miserable following it and others miserable through my judgment.

And yes, he is worthy of my love, just like everyone else.

If I were to choose now, I would choose to love him. I just need to work a lot harder. I need to pray a lot harder for him to be saved. It is a lot easier going out with a Christian man. But if God can sacrifice His son for him, what is that I can’t go through for him to be saved? I always have Him to lean on.

For now, what's done is done. I need to just work on my resentment and my bitterness through His help.

For now, I need to work on not being self-righteous and judgmental. I would be kind to others the way you have been to me, through His help.