Spreading too thinly

Finished work early. Came home to grab my dancing shoes. Still early. Not meeting them until 9pm. Surfed the web a bit. Found out Mogwai is holding a preview gig of their album Mr. Beast in Tokyo next month. Contemplated for a while whether I should fly over to Tokyo. Hmmm....if I follow all these bands to where their gigs are held, I would be very very poor. They never seem to want to come to Singapore.

The problem with me is I have too many interests. I want to do everything and get really frustrated when I couldn't find the time to do those things I set out to do. I don't have much money and time. On top of that, I am getting older. I know, gradually and eventually, I won't have the energy level I have now to do all those things. I can't prioritise even because I like them all equally. This is really depressing.

So I can't go to Tokyo. I am sure if Radiohead hold a concert somewhere, I can't go either. I would probably be working on something that would hold me back. When I look at the spread of things I want to do, I can only close my eyes, twitched my lips and let out a loud sigh.

At least, I get to dance tonight and I still get to hear Mogwai's songs on the ipod.


Listening to ....

Cody
by Mogwai

Of all i knew
I held too few
And would you stop me?
If i tried to stop you?

Old songs, stay to the end
Sad songs, remind me of friends
And the way it is, i could leave it all
And i ask myself, would you care at all

When i drive alone at night
I see the streetlights as fairgrounds
And i tried a hundred times
To see the road signs as day-glow

Old songs, stay to the end
Sad songs, remind me of friends
And the way it is, i could leave it all
And i ask myself, would you care at all

A good sleep

Finally I got some sleep. It's a good sleep.

If it wasn't because I left the party early last night, explained that I didn't get to sleep the night before to make me less guilty, I wouldn't have been able to sleep and get up at 6 and played all that music I haven't played for a while.

"The Magic Numbers" is good. "Broken Social Scene" is good. For a moment, I don't mind living against circumstances. And what circumstances? I don't know. But I know there was a point when life took a dive down. There was a point when a man challenged the nature, wanted to see whether how those borders could be broken. Those borders shouldn't be broken in the first place. They are there so that your sky can be blue, the sea can be calm, the air can be fresh and your world can be in order. But you broke them anyway. Then you are channeled to a place where it feels like a life imprisonment for that one feat that you performed, possibly a wrong thing.

Now all that left a big hole. You tried to fill it up with loads of music, movies, books, food, words. But it is a hole with an insatiable appetite. At some point, you would be tired, you would want to sleep.

So I slept though last night. It was a good sleep.

Maybe I won't find my way this time. At least, I get to sleep.

Love Thy Neighbour

"Hey D, do you know XXXX?"

"Yes, I interviewed him on a story?"

"Was he helpful?"

"Yes, he was helpful. Hey, love your Ministry of Sound story."

"I am going to ask him out for a drink. Do you want to come?"

"No!" (It was a flat No. I was so rude. Repent!) "Errr....I mean...errr....why do want to have a drink with him?"

"Oh. He is working on this XXXX and he seemed to be really experienced. That deal was really huge, largest in Singapore, izzn't it?

"Err.....yes.." (D, you are really unfriendly. where is your neighbourly love? c'mon. But I really don't want to go. What's the fun drinking with two guys?) "Would you want to go out with him one-on-one and build your relationship with you?"

"Errr....it would be cool if you come."

"You working on any story that he could help? "

"No...." My neighbour looked a little uncomfortable. (oh no, I am such a difficult person. why did I do that? What is wrong with one drink, D? You are hopeless.)

"Oh sure, I would love to come. Tell me when." I smiled as brightly as possible.

"Oh cool. I will let you know." He beamed.

My heart sank. Sian huh! Got to go out again. SIANNNNN......

Both Sides Now

I have a new neighbour. The workstation linked to mine was the designated seat for the big boss when he visits Singapore. Now it is given to this reporter who was just transferred from London, a brit. I was lucky, but not so lucky.

"So D, what are you working on? big story?" He asked.

"Nothing exciting. Just this big LNG plant a few guys want to build in Indonesia. Biggest in Asia ever."

Then...

"So D, you working on anything?"

"Nothing. Just updating my contact list?"

Then....

"hey D, what's going on?"

"NOTHING!!!!!!!"

Sigh.....

During the day, we were both on the phone facing each other interviewing someone.

He: "So how often do you club?"

Me: "Why is PPP - a concept that has started in the UK in 1992 only starts to take shape here in Asia, especially when the region is so in need of infrastructural development?"

He: You club three times a week? Wow. Where do you go usually?

Me: More cost efficient? Have the governments been layering the projects with so much fats such that the private companies have a better chance of achieving a higher cost efficiency by taking over these projects?

He: You think Ministry of Sound has a chance to suceed in Singapore, when it failed to do so in Bangkok?

Me: Legalising something doesn't mean that something will take off. Look at Pension Funds in the UK. The government legalised it, has it really taken off? So what if these governments set up the legal framework for such projects? Why would PPP type projects take off in Asia? What would give it the momentum?

He: Is that couch really 30k? That is an expensive couch? Only in the VIP room?

Me: Such financings are usually long term 20 to 25 years, in line with the offtake agreements. Asia is flushed with liquidity right now, yes, but would banks be willing to go beyond their credit thresholds? Would there be any takers for such long-term risk?

He: how much do you spend a week on drinks?

We both put down the phone, ended our interviews. We looked at each other and smiled.

Don't ask me anything. I begged silently.

"Big story, you're working on?" He asked. (Maybe I should beg openly next time.)

(Walau! Can you not ask? You get to work on more interesting stories like clubbing in Singapore. I get to do only financial stories. I don't know which is a bigger story. Can you please be a bit more neighbourly?)

Nut

A week of training in Tokyo has left me thinking about NUTs. How do I write a good nut? How do I in one or two sentences tell my readers why it is so important they read this story? What does this mean in a bigger scheme of things? Why should they read this story. While I am determined not to go out and eat lunch and use every minute I have to work on my stories, I went out nonetheless today, bringing with me two newspapers.

I started with WSJ, scoured for good nuts, found none on the front page. Then the story on Bruce Wilkinson abandoning his african project caught my eye, his story in two full tabloid pages. This is a story of Wilkinson, who has written a best-selling book called Prayer of Jabez based on a passage in Chronicles, teaching believers on how to unleash miracles with prayers like Jabez.

I looked for the nut and found it:

"What happen in between is a story of grand hopes and inexperience, divine inspiration and human foibles. Mr Wilkinson won churchloads of followers in Swaziland, but left them bereft and confused. He gained access to top Swaziland officials, but alienated them with his demands. And his departure left critics convinced he was just another in a long parade of outsiders who have come to Africa making big promises and quit the continent when local people didn't bend to their will."

Long nut. Well, it is a long story. Should the writer be forgiven? Why should I read this story because it is a yet another person who failed in Africa because he was too ambitious?

But I finished the story because I want to find out why this man who believes that he could unleash miracles by prayer like Jabez, not able to pull through his project in Africa? Why did he fail?

Only towards the end of the story that I found out why or I should say caught a glimpse of what could be the reason.

"One op-ed writer in the Swazi News wrote, "Why can't he simply tell us that he wants to be given the whole country so that he can gloat to his friends overseas that he owns a modern day colony in Africa called Swaziland?"

Such a powerful anecdote only appeared in the two pages in the last second paragraph or the last second column. Why? Possibly the writer was concerned about using "not invented here" material or he doesn't have enough proof to build the case.

I reread the story again. Does the writer have enough proof? Can he build his case? Did Wilkinson want to serve his vanity or the African orphans?

I could find a few.

Wilkerson said he wept and "is trying to come to grips with a miracle that didn't materialise despite his unceasing recitation of the Jabez prayer.''

Jabez was an honourable man, wasn't he? Prayers of honourable men are easily answered.

From whatever little I have read about people about life or lessons which I draw from my own life, I could see pretty clearly that the root of all problems really is Vanity. And that is my nut.

If I could

I finally found it today. I should say, to be exact, I finally remember. It is 1927's If I Could.

If there is a song that is about him and me, then it is 1927's If I Could.

"D...I like this song. I'll sing this for you?"

"Sing? But you are not a singer." I said.

"Well, let me read you the lyrics then."

"That is a great alternative. Reading is good." I said.

"Ok, so here goes...."

He read.

"Oh really? paint my portrait? Write me a book? When are you going to start?" I said.

"One day."

"But I would rather you play up a storm." I said.

"If I could."

"Funny."

"I have to stay true to the spirit of the song, D."

"I am not getting my portrait, book or storm?"

"If I could."

"Hahaha....stupid song!"

"I can write you a.....b....an IOU?"

"Stop! I am going to get stitches. Maybe you should just sing and kill me."

Many years have passed since. Who he is to me hasn't changed, but those memories are fading. I couldn't even recall that song. But if judgement day is going to come tommorrow, it would be my darkest day. I could only regret that I was not in my best christian behaviour then. I could only blame my iniquities that I am now still worried about his salvation.

If I could.

That song was forgotten. There was a faint memory of it. However, I refreshed it today, making it so crystal clear, so fresh that I am now helplessly swallowing hard a huge lump that is forming at my throat.

Then one year, years later, for a few months, I had this recurring nightmare that he was knocked down by a car while crossing the street to meet me. That got me crying for many nights, seeing him breathing his last, knowing that he would be trampled upon during end times, knowing no amount of prayers would change anything then. My eyes were puffy everyday from too much crying. I stocked up on eye creams. Little pots of eye creams are now stacked away nicely on my shelves.

There were other songs, mainly U2, because he was such a huge fan.

"No band could give me such a high like U2. Great Lyrics."

"Ok," I said.

"You know D, they are releasing their latest album. Finally. Such a long wait. I am really happy."

"Ok."

Years later, on the phone

"Hi" I said.

"Hello," He said.

"Bad." I said.

"How can I help?" He said.

"I am stuck. Get me out." I said.

"Hmmm...let me read you the seven habits of highly effective people."

"Hahaha...sure...you think one of the habits can get me out of this sh*t?"

"Let me start reading" He flipped the page. "So, first habit..."


I am still praying, if I could still pray.

As for that song, I will blog it before it fades away again.


IF I COULD
by 1927

If I could paint
I'd paint a portrait of you
The sunlight in your eyes a masterpiece of truth
And a single tear like a silent prayer
That's shining so much brighter than a diamond ever dared
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

If I could write
I'd write a book for you
A tale of hidden treasures with an I.O.U
And a million words couldn't say a thing
That won't be said in three words
Where love's the central theme
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

Chorus
Darling can't you see
What you mean to me
Anything that I can do I'll do it for you
And darling don't you know
Just how far I'd go
Anything that I can do, I'd do it for you

Sometimes I feel so second-rate
Seems loving you was my greatest mistake
I know I'm insecure
And love don't keep score
But I wish I could give you more

If I could play
I'd play up a storm for you
A raging sea of passion that you never knew
Every whispered sound would touch your heart
And maybe for a moment I could be your favourite star
If I could do anything at all
If I could, I'd give you more
If I could do anything at all…..I'd do it for you