Hard to love
By definition, today is a bad day. But I don't feel down. Maybe because I accept this is life and life has its bad days. So be it. I had a car accident, the bump on my knee was like a ping pong ball. I should have taken pictures. Never seen a ping pong ball on my knee before. Probably got to pay a thousand bucks to repair those cars.
With the ping pong ball on my knee, I got into an argument with my mom. She accused me of something I didn't do. I got really upset. Usually I would ignore her. Today, I wanted to defend myself, I wanted some form of a justice.
``What have I done that is so bad that I don't even get one compliment from you my whole entire life. It is fine that way. But to go further, you accuse me of things that I don't think I am capable of doing or thinking.'' I was my own defence lawyer and I was doing a bad job. Should have paid for service.
``Well, so that was why you left the house almost as soon as you got your first salary.'' She said.
``Yes, money bought my freedom, retain my sanity. Isn't it great? maybe i should get back on that rat race.'' Of course, I had no hope of her understanding and I didn't really care whether she got what I said. It doesn't matter. What matter is I can't choose not to love her. I can't choose to cut her off the way I cut off things or people once they give me grief.
``Why do you argue with your mom? you know she is not in her right mind.'' My dad said.
``If I don't do that, I won't be in my right mind.''
Then a phone call.
``Want to catch a movie.''
I breathed in deeply.
``Not really.''
``Ok, I know, it is really last minute. Are you doing something?''
``I am not doing anything. My only excuse is I am tired and nothing else. I know it is a bad excuse, almost selfish. How have you been?''
Details. I went quiet. That person was in need of company, some kind words, and a cheerful company. I wanted to be selfish. Then I thought I shouldn't. Then I thought what's the whole point. Then I thought, maybe I..
``Hey, you know what? I should go out. See you at Lido?''
At lido, I noticed a missed call. Usually I would ignore. But today, somehow, something was prompting me to reunite with the world, to care more for it. So I called. It was the lady whose car I bumped into.
``Ya I called earlier. I wanted to tell you that I am really giddy after the accident and my son is also feeling giddy.''
I kept quiet. I didn't want to give her what she wanted.
``I don't think my son can go to school tommorrow. I think we need to see doctors.''
Ya right. It was a slight bump. Your sons were laughing and thinking the accident was funny. Now one of them is feeling giddy or all of them?
It is people like her that make this world such an awful place. But I will take in what it has to offer, because? I don't know.
``Ok, I am so sorry. Just go see a doctor and send me whatever the bills.'' I said as politely as possible. (and yes, go get a full body check up and let me fly you to Bali for a short retreat for you and your sons to get over the shock. Please. And of course, the seats in the economy class are too crammed. You may get dizzy again. Please get business class or something. While you are there, go for a three-hour javanese massage and drink to your fill.)
(Right. I shouldn't be upset. I have to take in what my mom has dished out to me because there is this thing about honouring your parents? I can't call that woman a blaaatcchhh because I think there is this thing about loving your neighbours and foes. I can't choose to read a book at home in peace and be disconnected with the rest of the world because there is this thing about .......Who ask me to love these people again?)
``Hey D.''
``huh?''
``You want to come and see me model some G star jeans?''
(NO. I don't want to mingle with a bunch of people dressed in some high fashion with me attempting to do likewise, talk rubbish, while dressed in some levi jeans that are probably a quarter of the price of what those people wear. I want to stay at home and brace for some more rubbish my mom would deal me, and wait for a phone call from that dizzy woman and..)
``I would love to come.''
Hey, this is the best that I can do.
With the ping pong ball on my knee, I got into an argument with my mom. She accused me of something I didn't do. I got really upset. Usually I would ignore her. Today, I wanted to defend myself, I wanted some form of a justice.
``What have I done that is so bad that I don't even get one compliment from you my whole entire life. It is fine that way. But to go further, you accuse me of things that I don't think I am capable of doing or thinking.'' I was my own defence lawyer and I was doing a bad job. Should have paid for service.
``Well, so that was why you left the house almost as soon as you got your first salary.'' She said.
``Yes, money bought my freedom, retain my sanity. Isn't it great? maybe i should get back on that rat race.'' Of course, I had no hope of her understanding and I didn't really care whether she got what I said. It doesn't matter. What matter is I can't choose not to love her. I can't choose to cut her off the way I cut off things or people once they give me grief.
``Why do you argue with your mom? you know she is not in her right mind.'' My dad said.
``If I don't do that, I won't be in my right mind.''
Then a phone call.
``Want to catch a movie.''
I breathed in deeply.
``Not really.''
``Ok, I know, it is really last minute. Are you doing something?''
``I am not doing anything. My only excuse is I am tired and nothing else. I know it is a bad excuse, almost selfish. How have you been?''
Details. I went quiet. That person was in need of company, some kind words, and a cheerful company. I wanted to be selfish. Then I thought I shouldn't. Then I thought what's the whole point. Then I thought, maybe I..
``Hey, you know what? I should go out. See you at Lido?''
At lido, I noticed a missed call. Usually I would ignore. But today, somehow, something was prompting me to reunite with the world, to care more for it. So I called. It was the lady whose car I bumped into.
``Ya I called earlier. I wanted to tell you that I am really giddy after the accident and my son is also feeling giddy.''
I kept quiet. I didn't want to give her what she wanted.
``I don't think my son can go to school tommorrow. I think we need to see doctors.''
Ya right. It was a slight bump. Your sons were laughing and thinking the accident was funny. Now one of them is feeling giddy or all of them?
It is people like her that make this world such an awful place. But I will take in what it has to offer, because? I don't know.
``Ok, I am so sorry. Just go see a doctor and send me whatever the bills.'' I said as politely as possible. (and yes, go get a full body check up and let me fly you to Bali for a short retreat for you and your sons to get over the shock. Please. And of course, the seats in the economy class are too crammed. You may get dizzy again. Please get business class or something. While you are there, go for a three-hour javanese massage and drink to your fill.)
(Right. I shouldn't be upset. I have to take in what my mom has dished out to me because there is this thing about honouring your parents? I can't call that woman a blaaatcchhh because I think there is this thing about loving your neighbours and foes. I can't choose to read a book at home in peace and be disconnected with the rest of the world because there is this thing about .......Who ask me to love these people again?)
``Hey D.''
``huh?''
``You want to come and see me model some G star jeans?''
(NO. I don't want to mingle with a bunch of people dressed in some high fashion with me attempting to do likewise, talk rubbish, while dressed in some levi jeans that are probably a quarter of the price of what those people wear. I want to stay at home and brace for some more rubbish my mom would deal me, and wait for a phone call from that dizzy woman and..)
``I would love to come.''
Hey, this is the best that I can do.
posted by eternal bough at 12:05 AM
4 Comments:
Do take care. Will be praying for you.
there will always be crappy days like this in life. i'm glad you still can be (or at least you tried to be) benevolent in days like this. ;) i hope days like this will come and go soon.
ms kee, u are so giving. the world's so much better for it :)
having a bad spell with my mum, and i too am moving out to preserve my sanity.
But i hope that things sill slowly get better, for you and myself.
take care
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