Forgiveness
I received X's messages several times. But I chose to ignore. Even my friends didn't dare to mention X's name to me. One or two brave souls have broached the subject hoping that they would be able to reconcile us. Even N knows that it is a fruitless effort after a few backlash.
When it comes to friendships, why are 'clean' cuts not acceptable? When a friend break up with her boyfriend, I don't ask her to go have tea with him or do you?
"I have forgiven X." I said.
"That is not forgiveness," N said.
"I don't hate X. I just don't want to talk to X." I said.
"Then that really is not forgiveness." N said.
"It is. I don't have to talk to the person or receive the person's phone calls. The friendship is spoiled. I don't have to go salvage it or turn it back to where it was previously. I can choose not to talk to the person. Why is that not forgiveness?"
"It is not la...." N said.
"WHY? I know there is a lion in a den. Do I run? Or I should feed myself to the lion?"
"I think you need to pray about it."
"WHY??? That friendship is wearing me out. Why can't I cut myself from it?"
So I am not replying to those messages.
When it comes to friendships, why are 'clean' cuts not acceptable? When a friend break up with her boyfriend, I don't ask her to go have tea with him or do you?
"I have forgiven X." I said.
"That is not forgiveness," N said.
"I don't hate X. I just don't want to talk to X." I said.
"Then that really is not forgiveness." N said.
"It is. I don't have to talk to the person or receive the person's phone calls. The friendship is spoiled. I don't have to go salvage it or turn it back to where it was previously. I can choose not to talk to the person. Why is that not forgiveness?"
"It is not la...." N said.
"WHY? I know there is a lion in a den. Do I run? Or I should feed myself to the lion?"
"I think you need to pray about it."
"WHY??? That friendship is wearing me out. Why can't I cut myself from it?"
So I am not replying to those messages.
posted by eternal bough at 8:27 PM
5 Comments:
i basically agree that, you don't have to talk to or associate with that person even if you forgave her/him. forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance.
my heart was broken by some people few years ago, i felt i was betrayed by them. i forgave them, but i rather not to associate with them anymore. i felt that they had hurt me enough, there was no reason to allow them to hurt me again. few years passed by, last year, i started to think whether or not i truely have forgiven them or not. did i still have ill feeling towards them. did i still resent what they had done to me... i prayed for it for a few months, asked God to show me true forgiveness. An opportunity was given that i could see them again. i hesitated, but at the end i did go see them and spent some time with them. it was not until then that i felt there was a closure, that i truely felt i can let this whole thing go.
did i truely forgive them before i saw them again? i don't know... but i guess it doesn't really matter. in your situation, i would say do what's comfortable to you. don't force yourself. God will give us a closure, at the right time when we are ready.
how wise. while I am concerned whether I am taking the easy way out and whether it is the right thing to do, I am also uncomfortable trying to fix the relationship because I am not capable of fixing it. If this is all wrong or just the wrong timing, there will be opportunities for me to fix what is wrong in His time. thanks for this.
yes, good point. where do you draw the line. Forgiveness is when you stop wanting to skin the person alive or getting all worked up when the person's name is mentioned. Is it enough that you don't want tic for tac and you just to stay away? or Forgiveness is when you manage a cordial hi, without the warmth or the ethusiasm like before. I don't know actually.
read "forgivness" from Mere Christianity. it helped me. (at least got me to start pray for it.)
i think forgiveness is a process. it's not something you can say to yourself, "i forgive." therefore you do. it also depends on what/who it is that you need to forgive. yes, it's hard to draw a line sometimes.
to forgive, is really to free ourselves from that dreadful ill feeling of the one who wronged us. it's really not that much for that person's sake you need to forgive him/her, but it's for your own sake.
God knows our weakness, we can't just forget what people had done wrong to us. thus, it takes time to forgive. and i'm sure our Lord understands this. but in the mean time, we sure strive to do the best we can, without getting ourselve to be hurt again, to forgive that person as much as we can. i guess, the final stage of forgiveness is that we can talk to that person again with a sincere heart.
six years ago, i would never imagine myself would be able to do that, or something i would even want to do. i thought, without hating them, i was doing pretty good. i once said, i don't think i want to see them again, i'll see them in heaven... then i thought, what would that be like...
but God's grace is always sufficient for us. D, don't worry about it. Do pray for it. give yourself time. take things slowly according to what's comfortable to you. But do talk to God about it.
Lastly, i do want to say that, after i was willing to see them and talk to them last year, though i thought i have long forgave them, there was a sense of a burden had lifted off my shoulders. i was glad i did that. but again, it was the perfect timing, something God has planned. (if the same opportunity was given half year before that, i would probably refuse to see them.)
though people do not understand, but God always understands.
My Two Cents,
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, your mind and your strength.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
Perhaps when we try to understand the standard of forgiveness that we should have, we should look at God's standard. When God forgives us, is it a cordial hi without warmth and enthusiasm?
We should aim toward God's standard, no matter how difficult. Not easy to love child molesters or murderers. But how many of the people we hold grudges against truly deserve that cold shoulder, that christian "avoidance on account that we don't have to be hurt". But we're called to become perfect, like God, in all things.
NP
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