Past
I love to get acquainted with my past, again and again. I love to live in them. I wonder whether it is a bad thing.
When I first my career, I ambitiously wanted to be on the fast track and get the most out of my time. I determined that indulging in the past is bad. It prevents me from moving forward. After each breakup with a boyfriend, I would throw everything away and keep nothing to remind me of what would be just a piece of my past. I won't even keep in touch with them, so I don't reply to any phone calls or emails.
Then one day, I decided to take a rest and evaluate what my next half life is going to be. I quit my job, withdrew all my savings and used it all on an expensive U.S. education. I would spend my half time enriching my mind, while I decide what to do next. But in order to know what you want to be in your next half of your life, you need to know who are you. I realized I can't decide without drawing out the past. Facing it was not a pleasant experience. Things that I did wrong, bad decisions I made all came back to torment. Facing them for me was the first time because I had put them aside coldly. I was cold and callous and I made myself to be that way, because somewhere in the piles of self-help books I devoured diligently had turned me that way.
So, tonight, I sent an email to Basel, to T's father, whom I had met a few times when he was in Singapore. Tonight, the fact that I am sending an email to T's father is a result of throwing away my past like they were wasted time. I threw away everything including T's address in Basel.
Two years ago, I searched for his address like mad not because I had mended my ways, but because I wanted to stay for free in his holiday house on the Alps for my ski trip. I couldn't find his number in my house.
A few days ago, I found a notebook lying on my chair with his contact details. I don't know where that notebook came from. My parents must have found it somewhere. Now, I only want to know how he is and not scheming to get a free stay at his Alps house. I think God's timing is perfect.
When I first my career, I ambitiously wanted to be on the fast track and get the most out of my time. I determined that indulging in the past is bad. It prevents me from moving forward. After each breakup with a boyfriend, I would throw everything away and keep nothing to remind me of what would be just a piece of my past. I won't even keep in touch with them, so I don't reply to any phone calls or emails.
Then one day, I decided to take a rest and evaluate what my next half life is going to be. I quit my job, withdrew all my savings and used it all on an expensive U.S. education. I would spend my half time enriching my mind, while I decide what to do next. But in order to know what you want to be in your next half of your life, you need to know who are you. I realized I can't decide without drawing out the past. Facing it was not a pleasant experience. Things that I did wrong, bad decisions I made all came back to torment. Facing them for me was the first time because I had put them aside coldly. I was cold and callous and I made myself to be that way, because somewhere in the piles of self-help books I devoured diligently had turned me that way.
So, tonight, I sent an email to Basel, to T's father, whom I had met a few times when he was in Singapore. Tonight, the fact that I am sending an email to T's father is a result of throwing away my past like they were wasted time. I threw away everything including T's address in Basel.
Two years ago, I searched for his address like mad not because I had mended my ways, but because I wanted to stay for free in his holiday house on the Alps for my ski trip. I couldn't find his number in my house.
A few days ago, I found a notebook lying on my chair with his contact details. I don't know where that notebook came from. My parents must have found it somewhere. Now, I only want to know how he is and not scheming to get a free stay at his Alps house. I think God's timing is perfect.
posted by eternal bough at 12:59 AM
2 Comments:
"I love to get acquainted with my past, again and again. I love to live in them. I wonder whether it is a bad thing."
I think it's a bad thing...
for a couple of years, I was living in the past... not fun. always kind of bitter and sad, not very hopeful. (thank God who gives hope.) i think somehow i figured out... just because i (or others) ruined my life, why should i keep letting it happen and let it getting worse?
it always painful to think about the past, but what's important is today. i think i saw it in a movie that says something like that.
i don't know, i think we all know that, but whether or not we want or can do is a different story.
Happy Easter, KD.
Some of us hold on to the past, and try to re-live it in the present; others take lessons from the past, and build on that for the future. Consider joining the latter group.
With best wishes, in Christ -
IM
P.S. I, too, remember that time we went to Kiki's--hilarious time, indeed!
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