Being Difficult
I am being difficult lately. I am disturbed by a splint that is stuck in my flesh. It irritates me and turns me into this hurt lioness who started to roar at people who want to care.
N: can you don't be so difficult? You are arguing, attacking all my points. When all one of my points is shot down, you said, you see all the rest no longer holds. Walau....
....
N: let do a collective prayer.
So we both bowed and prayed.
Me: Father lord..........
XXXX...XXX....
N: Can you speak up? I can't hear you. Repeat.
Me: Walau, where got prayers like that. Half way through, say cannot hear, then repeat the whole thing one? I don't want to repeat.
N frowned.
Me: ok ok. repeat
Me: Father lord.....
XXX...XXX
N: Ok, now, let just think for one minute about...xxxx
Me: Huh? where got like that one. never pray like that before. Where did you learn that from?
N: OOOOIIIII, can you just do what I say. don't be so difficult.
That afternoon,.....
Q: Why would anyone want to choose that as an alternative?
Me; because it is my right. I want to think. And I just need the data. I am asking for data.
Q: At some point, you got to stop and not even go there. You are disturbing me. You are making me very worried/ I can't do my lecture now.
Are you completely mad? All I asked was a simple question. Why would it disturb you?, I thought.
(At that point, I relaxed my facial muscles, after noticing how he was affected by what seemed to be a simple question to me.)
Me: I just want to know the stats. It is a way of considering all options and decided what is the best. I am not going to do that. (l lied)
Q: Please sit down. Please.
I stood.
Me: All I am asking is just that. Don't you have stats on that.
Q: No. I don't have. Can you please sit down? I want to know why you are asking that. You want to play this game, I would play this with you.
Me: huh? what game? I am not playing game.
I stood.
I stood exasperated. Why is it so difficult for him to answer a simple question? Why does he even want to be involved with my life? Like a brat, I was going to throw my toy at a stupid doll because I was mad, some adult from nowhere came and took my toy. Maybe I should cry.
I held the book I was reading closed to my chest. My patience was wearing thin. I couldn't will him to give me the data.
Q looked at the title of the book and said: The God you believed in is the same God I believed in. This is the world he created. I don't see why you want to even consider that. It is not logical.
Me: Look, I just want the stats.
I felt worn out. He looked it too. I remembered that look, that look of concern, similar to someone who was clinching to the hand of a person who had just fell off the cliff. If he let go, the person would die. But his strength was leaving him.
Why did he look so disturbed? Like I was his child, his precious. Like what I had asked was a stab in his heart. That look on his face was stuck on my mind today and he is a stranger to me. I worked through the conversation I had with him throughout today several times. What if I had asked that question to God, how would He have looked? 10 times more? 100 times more?
Q: I don't know why you need that.
I gave up.
Me: Ok, you have to go. You are late.
Q: are you going to come on the 9th?
I gave a bitter smile, like my evil ploy was discovered and I thought I had clearly concealed it. God's warrior is smarter and stronger than me.
Q: I want to see you here, on the 9th, please. Would you come?
He thwarted my plan. Who is this man? God's warrior? Anyway, what is his friggin name? I got hold of his name and went to do a google. I pieced together his resume like a good journalist from whatever shreds of information I have. No wonder I was defeated even before I begin.
I read about what he had said of a venture he set up to help people in a human crisis. ``I am not saying I am the best person. But my training is adequate for me to do that.''
He is God's mighty warrior. Of course he is, only God's people could be that fearless, that selfless. No wonder he discovered my ploy on my second question and led me quite artfully to reveal my real intention. I side-stepped of course, with help from the devil. Q won. God's people always win.
But I wasn't sure I wanted to be rescued. In the meantime, I want to be difficult until maybe I am healed.
N: can you don't be so difficult? You are arguing, attacking all my points. When all one of my points is shot down, you said, you see all the rest no longer holds. Walau....
....
N: let do a collective prayer.
So we both bowed and prayed.
Me: Father lord..........
XXXX...XXX....
N: Can you speak up? I can't hear you. Repeat.
Me: Walau, where got prayers like that. Half way through, say cannot hear, then repeat the whole thing one? I don't want to repeat.
N frowned.
Me: ok ok. repeat
Me: Father lord.....
XXX...XXX
N: Ok, now, let just think for one minute about...xxxx
Me: Huh? where got like that one. never pray like that before. Where did you learn that from?
N: OOOOIIIII, can you just do what I say. don't be so difficult.
That afternoon,.....
Q: Why would anyone want to choose that as an alternative?
Me; because it is my right. I want to think. And I just need the data. I am asking for data.
Q: At some point, you got to stop and not even go there. You are disturbing me. You are making me very worried/ I can't do my lecture now.
Are you completely mad? All I asked was a simple question. Why would it disturb you?, I thought.
(At that point, I relaxed my facial muscles, after noticing how he was affected by what seemed to be a simple question to me.)
Me: I just want to know the stats. It is a way of considering all options and decided what is the best. I am not going to do that. (l lied)
Q: Please sit down. Please.
I stood.
Me: All I am asking is just that. Don't you have stats on that.
Q: No. I don't have. Can you please sit down? I want to know why you are asking that. You want to play this game, I would play this with you.
Me: huh? what game? I am not playing game.
I stood.
I stood exasperated. Why is it so difficult for him to answer a simple question? Why does he even want to be involved with my life? Like a brat, I was going to throw my toy at a stupid doll because I was mad, some adult from nowhere came and took my toy. Maybe I should cry.
I held the book I was reading closed to my chest. My patience was wearing thin. I couldn't will him to give me the data.
Q looked at the title of the book and said: The God you believed in is the same God I believed in. This is the world he created. I don't see why you want to even consider that. It is not logical.
Me: Look, I just want the stats.
I felt worn out. He looked it too. I remembered that look, that look of concern, similar to someone who was clinching to the hand of a person who had just fell off the cliff. If he let go, the person would die. But his strength was leaving him.
Why did he look so disturbed? Like I was his child, his precious. Like what I had asked was a stab in his heart. That look on his face was stuck on my mind today and he is a stranger to me. I worked through the conversation I had with him throughout today several times. What if I had asked that question to God, how would He have looked? 10 times more? 100 times more?
Q: I don't know why you need that.
I gave up.
Me: Ok, you have to go. You are late.
Q: are you going to come on the 9th?
I gave a bitter smile, like my evil ploy was discovered and I thought I had clearly concealed it. God's warrior is smarter and stronger than me.
Q: I want to see you here, on the 9th, please. Would you come?
He thwarted my plan. Who is this man? God's warrior? Anyway, what is his friggin name? I got hold of his name and went to do a google. I pieced together his resume like a good journalist from whatever shreds of information I have. No wonder I was defeated even before I begin.
I read about what he had said of a venture he set up to help people in a human crisis. ``I am not saying I am the best person. But my training is adequate for me to do that.''
He is God's mighty warrior. Of course he is, only God's people could be that fearless, that selfless. No wonder he discovered my ploy on my second question and led me quite artfully to reveal my real intention. I side-stepped of course, with help from the devil. Q won. God's people always win.
But I wasn't sure I wanted to be rescued. In the meantime, I want to be difficult until maybe I am healed.
posted by eternal bough at 11:50 PM
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