Character

I dug out my copy - Bird by Bird - which I have started reading a few years ago but have left it unfinished, because a friend has asked me to recently.

I left off at page 44 where the chapter on "Character" starts.This is a book on writing a fiction.

A paragraph in that chapter caught my attention. "Bad things happen to good characters, because our actions have consequences, and we do not all behave perfectly all the time. As soon as you start protecting your characters from the ramifications of their less-than-lofty behavior, your story will start to feel flat and pointless, just like in real life."That is the answer to my situation which I hate facing now. I can't cry against injustice because if I think something is unjust, I am expecting another person to be perfect. All those imperfections are causing us pain. I know I can't expect perfection from others because in many instances, people expect perfection from me and I have failed them. These failings happen despite all good intentions. I can't expect people to see and believe in the goodness in me. Some do, some don't.

The result: others feel let down by me, I feel let down by them.

Also the result: my story is not flat and pointless.

Decisions, decisions

I read it somewhere: make a decision, any decisions before the circumstances determine it for you and you may not like what has been decided for you.

This week, I have to make some major decisions: to go to Hong Kong or to stay in Singapore, to change my beat or to move.

A decision like that should be easy. If I know myself well and what I want out of life, then I know whether Hong Kong is a place for me or not. The fact that I am spending so much time deliberating and feeling fearful that I might make the wrong decision shows that I am not sure of myself and my place. I always think of myself as an introspective person. If I am, where are the fruits of that introspection?

I also notice that sometimes I can't seem to make a swift decision when a circumstance hit me and rattle the stability that I treasure so much. I find myself sometimes in precarious positions in life situations for too long because I can't decide. I look at my guiding morals and principles and most often I have the answers to my situations. But I can't seem to trust them to help me carry through the decision maybe because these morals and principles are really just concepts and not firmly part of my system. So what must I do so that these morals and principles are part of me?

Ok, back to decision of the week: Hong Kong? errr..........

Brusque Summers

Mr Lawrence H. Summers is the president of the Harvard University and he is "hired more than three years ago to retool Harvard for the 21st century".

He is also making one of the headlines in today's Asian Wall Street Journal. He made a comment that has sparked a series of attacks against him (GOOD!!!).

He cited issues of "intrinsic aptitude" to explain the scarcity of women in the higher levels of science and engineering. He said: "...it does appear that on many, many different human attributes - height, weight ... overall IQ, mathematical ability, scientific ability - there is relatively clear evidence that whatever the difference in means" or average levels of ability " there is a difference in the standard deviation and variability of a male and a female population. "Did he just call us (females) stupid? I have to check. I don't want to let the innate gender differences get in the way. Afterall, I am from Venus. Did Mr Summers' lack of communication skills or insecurity (can't make a straight point) prompt him to resort to long run-on sentences to illustrate his point? Poor thing.

According to WSJ, Summers, in addition to aptitude, cited as a primary factor tensions between women's family desires and employers' current desire for high power and high intensity.Ok, now I am pissed.So, Summers decided to apologise, not because he was sorry but he was under a lot of pressure to do so.

His apology: "Though my remarks were explicitly speculative, and noted that I may be all wrong, I should have left such speculation to those more expert in the relevant fields.

"Errrr..... Why can't he just say, "I am sorry. I am wrong." ?

Celebrating mediocrity

I watched The Incredibles again yesterday.The central theme of the movie, I reckon, is about the search of identities.In a tragic way, we are conformed to celebrate mediocrity because the society deems it necessary for us to follow a structured path to become a better citizen, a better person and often making us uniform and not stand out among others. There are laws to legislate who we are and they are societal expectations that keep us from becoming who we really are because the others are threatened when we become too different. When a sort of uniformity is being forced on all of us, our dignity is prevented to reach the lowest point by a mere consolation that “everyone is special.” If everyone is special, then how then it is possible for anyone to set a structure above all of us? A structure like that is cruel and is a destructive tool that seek to destroy the identity we have, instilling in us self-doubt.

The Elasticgirl said while putting on masks on her kids, “Your identity is your most valuable possession.”

While the mediocrity of the society is out to destroy our identities, how far should we go to protect our individuality and giving recognition to our special talents, even when the world doesn’t want to recognise them?

Playing games

I play games sometimes.

Sometimes, I am not even conscious that I am doing that. It comes on on its own because it is so part of my system. It is a reflex. It is like a screen saver that automatically comes on when the owner of the computer leaves to get a cup of coffee. Usually, the owner defines the settings of the screen saver. He defines the number of minutes it would take for the screen saver to be on after the system has sat idling. He sets it because he wants to protect the system.

I have a game playing mode that I have built in my system. Like the screen saver, it comes on automatically because of the way I set it based on my past experiences and my current fears. It is there because of my fears to show my cards and to let my honest feelings about the person show. I am afraid that others might take advantage of that. I am hoping that by playing games, I get the other person to show his cards first before I show mine. I save myself some embarrassing moments and some painful experience. I protect myself in the process in face of the perils of the dating world.I wonder whether my screen saver is really protecting me or it has destroyed the potential of something that might have become a real relationship.

Do I have to reset my system and take out the screen saver? If so, do I know how that can be done?