Pain

"What do you want to achieve with your story?" NP asked.

"I want to tell a story about two people caught in a situation that they couldn't get out. They know that their circumstances are adverse but they do not have the capacity to rise above them. I want to tell a story about a guy who couldn't cope with pain, that sometimes, pain is too much to handle for a person and it can take hold of a person and owns him."

"I guess you have achieved that."

"Does it make you depressed? The story?"

"No, I am used to your FOS (full of shit)." (Readers: please be assured that NP is really really friend. It is hard, I know. kidding.)

"You know, you should write some uplifting stories. You are joining the rest, writing about pain and depression. It is easy to write about pain because pain is much easier to be expressed."

"I did what. That ophelia story was this teenage girl who overcame her problems."

"Aiya, I can't read about kids lar. Her problems seem so small." (this NP is very difficult to please)

"ok, I will write something funny next time."

Why the story of Tom and Jen? The relationship that Tom and Jen had is my worst nightmare. I am scared that I would become Jen, unable to move, trapped in a situation that is destroying her but too much in love with Tom to leave.

I am trapped. One email glitch, one miserable email glitch, had my mind raced like mad in anxieties. Is he ok? Has he met with an accident? Many nights were spent on praying.

Then there was a huge relief when the email came in finally, late last night, two hours after my email to him.

I closed my eyes and said a prayer of thanksgiving.

He had replied but it was lost. Like me, he probably had been wondering why there was no reply.

He ended his email with a series of questions - so how...? is the xxx,,,,? where...? has he found....? You were looking for a job....?

Concern, I sensed it. I know or do I? Do I really know?

An email glitch, we both come to a stalemate, unable to move - paralysed by my pride and his alpha maleness.

I would lay down my pride, but I can't. What if this is wrong?

Write a story about people who rise above their circumstances? Is it too much to expect from a person who can't even do that herself.

Pain, I understand. Being trapped, I understand. A love that is torturous, I understand. Jen, I understand. Tom, I understand.

What would be the outcome?

For now, I can only imagine two possibilities for myself - I could end up like Jen or like Tom, whichever is better, I don't know.

I could spend the rest of my life, clutching my T-shirt at where my heart is.