Control
I am starting work in a week’s time. It will be one more week of leisure, of hiding under my covers with my ipod and books, writing, sipping lattes in the afternoons while other people are at work. Then, it will be a new place, a new schedule, new colleagues, possibly a new life.
I am starting to get the jitters. The fear is similar to the one I felt when I was in Primary school when school was about to start. I panicked and started looking for my canvas shoes and my kiwi polish. Then I panicked more when I couldn’t find my shoes or I found my shoes without the laces or discovered the white kiwi polish had turned yellow. When my parents were too busy with their lives to bring me to Bata, I started to wish to I could grow up very quickly. As a kid, you are hardly in control of your life. BB/GB camp reminded me of that. I would hate it if I had to go through those fire drills.
Now I am all grown up, I have my hands and feet on most areas of my life. I am still fearful facing a new station of my life. That same fear creeps in again – that same fears of not finding my shoes and kiwi polish and the many what ifs? I know now how huge life circumstances could be. No matter how much strength, both mental and physical, I use to steer the direction of the wind or summon the rain, I couldn’t do it all the time. There were times where I felt powerless, where my will was weak. I raised my hands up and shouted the magic words that had worked well so many times and they all failed me. Those times taught me how small I could be, how powerless I could be.
Those times I had sit in a hot tub of water and played Tom Waits as loud as possible, focusing my mind on solutions. Tom Waits's coarse voice singing The Piano Has Been Drinking didn't help. On other times I ran increasing the distance from 2km to 5km and later 10km. The adrenaline pumped me up. Still I was as powerless as ever. Then I started playing tennis every morning 7am, dancing almost every night, making turns after turns. Still, I was powerless before those circumstances.
I fear I would lose control again. My hands won't be on the steering wheel. What if I can’t park the bus again because someone plants a bomb on my bus and I have to drive it above 50mph and Keanu Reeves is nowhere in sight?
Eventually, I found the solution - let go and let my Lord take control.
I have got to let go. That 20-year plan which I had worked on over the last weeks probably won’t materialize. My Lord likes to surprise me.
My Lord had taught me through various very painful lessons that I won’t be in control of my life. He has the control. If I do not use my strengths according to His Will, He will intervene. As much as I want to reduce the uncertainties and exert my own will power, He will throw in uncertainties such that the only thing I could do would be to trust Him and persevere. My strengths are not to be used that way, He had warned.
I will be mindful.
In the meantime, hey hey, why worry, it’s party time for another week. I will put on my dancing shoes at least once more this week.
Errr…where are my shoes and my suits?
I am starting to get the jitters. The fear is similar to the one I felt when I was in Primary school when school was about to start. I panicked and started looking for my canvas shoes and my kiwi polish. Then I panicked more when I couldn’t find my shoes or I found my shoes without the laces or discovered the white kiwi polish had turned yellow. When my parents were too busy with their lives to bring me to Bata, I started to wish to I could grow up very quickly. As a kid, you are hardly in control of your life. BB/GB camp reminded me of that. I would hate it if I had to go through those fire drills.
Now I am all grown up, I have my hands and feet on most areas of my life. I am still fearful facing a new station of my life. That same fear creeps in again – that same fears of not finding my shoes and kiwi polish and the many what ifs? I know now how huge life circumstances could be. No matter how much strength, both mental and physical, I use to steer the direction of the wind or summon the rain, I couldn’t do it all the time. There were times where I felt powerless, where my will was weak. I raised my hands up and shouted the magic words that had worked well so many times and they all failed me. Those times taught me how small I could be, how powerless I could be.
Those times I had sit in a hot tub of water and played Tom Waits as loud as possible, focusing my mind on solutions. Tom Waits's coarse voice singing The Piano Has Been Drinking didn't help. On other times I ran increasing the distance from 2km to 5km and later 10km. The adrenaline pumped me up. Still I was as powerless as ever. Then I started playing tennis every morning 7am, dancing almost every night, making turns after turns. Still, I was powerless before those circumstances.
I fear I would lose control again. My hands won't be on the steering wheel. What if I can’t park the bus again because someone plants a bomb on my bus and I have to drive it above 50mph and Keanu Reeves is nowhere in sight?
Eventually, I found the solution - let go and let my Lord take control.
I have got to let go. That 20-year plan which I had worked on over the last weeks probably won’t materialize. My Lord likes to surprise me.
My Lord had taught me through various very painful lessons that I won’t be in control of my life. He has the control. If I do not use my strengths according to His Will, He will intervene. As much as I want to reduce the uncertainties and exert my own will power, He will throw in uncertainties such that the only thing I could do would be to trust Him and persevere. My strengths are not to be used that way, He had warned.
I will be mindful.
In the meantime, hey hey, why worry, it’s party time for another week. I will put on my dancing shoes at least once more this week.
Errr…where are my shoes and my suits?
posted by eternal bough at 4:29 PM
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