For neonangel

what you ask, you get.

Seven dreams before death:
1. Open Hurry Curry Restaurant
2. Go on a missonary trip or a few
3. Play the piano fluently
4. Create a family
5. Acquire the ability to love
6. Publish a book
7. Publish another book

Seven things I can't do in this lifetime
1. Write a poem and actually like it
2. Be wise
3. Play pool
4. Bungee jump
5. Look sexy
6. Make friends and actually keep them
7. Get rid of my singaporean accent

Seven things that attract me
1. Humility
2. Caring, putting others' need ahead of theirs
3. Funny
4. Wisedom
5. Godliness
6. That "let's take it easy'' attitude
7. A good laugh

Seven things I say:
1. Walau
2. What's this?
3. Damn funny
4. Izzit? Sure or not?
5. Please lar?!!!!
6. I have no idea
7. I never

Seven books I love
1. Possession
2. Mere Christianity
3. Postmodern Times
4. High Fidelity
5. Bird by Bird
6. To Kill a Mocking Bird
7. Bible

Seven movies I love
1. Starky and Hutch - damn funny
2. Love me if you dare
3. Notting Hill
4. About a boy
5. LOTR (all)
6. Four weddings and a funeral
7. Star Wars (all)

Mother-in-law

N said he's my mother-in-law. He asked me to change my mind about getting fixated on a certain idea.

``I don't have time for myself.'' I exclaimed.

``But people like you and me won't never have enough time for ourselves no matter how much time we have. We just crave for more.'' He said.

``You are calling me a hermit.''

``You just want time for yourself. No matter how much you have, it is never enough.'' N said. ''I go to work at 10, come home at 6. I live alone. I still don't have enough time for myself.''

``You are saying I am a hermit. It is not true. I am pretty sociable.''

``Ya right. but whenever someone say something stupid or say something which is hurtful, you go like EEEEEEEEEEE and go back to your igloo.''

Lost in translation

I don't deny. I would admit that I am out of syn. I am craving for what my movie campanion said she was craving after watching Lost In Translation. She exclaimed that the movie had poignantly pointed out that every human needed to feel connected with another person, needed that meeting of minds. She craved that.

I crave. I hunger. But I also have been supressing. I tried to do something. However, those attempts were lame, lame because I was lazy. Sometimes, those attempts were nothing but a passing thought. Sometimes, I did do something - I left and stayed away for a few weeks. Then I would feel guilty. I would come back. Sometimes it wasn't guilt that I came back, it was because I didn't know where to go.

Time passed. Three years passed. I gasped. Like a bad relationship, I let it drag. You stayed in one because you tell yourself it is not that bad. Every relationship is the same. There are times that are bad. But mostly, you are just in denial. You have nothing in common. Leave! The only thing in common is God and that really is it. Is it ok to ask for more, for a connection, to feel that you are understood, to want to spend time outside what is required because you are enjoying your time together.

Wait. Guilt. What if another three years pass? Is it so bad to want to enjoy your company? Or do i not deserve that? No wonder I want to hide in my room.

Maybe now it has become critical because I really feel alone. Now I am seeing her face again at that movie. I am seeing her face and hearing her say: D, I crave for that connection.

Met N for lunch today. Maybe I am responsible for this that N is now my only friend. What a sad truth. Now things are worse. I can't come out for lunch too often. His workload somehow got a lot heavier and there are some other things keeping him busy during the weekends.

It became apparent that I am in a bad relationship. I am lost in translation. Is it time to break up?

You joker, I joker

People are nice to me today, extremely nice. I don't know why. I haven't done anything to deserve it.

A colleague came up to me and said, ''hey, I don't know what type of videos you like. tell me, so that I can bring you the ones you like. you like concerts or documentaries or?''

The colleague wanted to bring me some Radiohead's videos.

''Oh. I especially like the song Creep. So any video with that song?''

``Ok, I go cut them for you.''

Then she took my ipod and went through my play list.

``You like Artic Monkeys too? Aiya, I cut my Artic Monkeys for you.''

``No lar. It is alright. No need to cut. I am happy with what I have.''

I was like wow? When was the last time someone cut a CD for me? Hmmmm.....

This evening, while walking to the MRT, I chatted with a lady who was attending my bible class. She was bubbly and cheerful. She loved to throw her head backwards and laughed. It's been a while that I met such an animated person.

``It is very good to know you.'' She said. I was like 'wow' again. You don't understand the kind of life that I lead. If you do, you would know why I was that impressed. It is very rare that people say that to me. I live in a world where my friends hurl threats constantly at me - 'I want to report you to your DG leader.' or 'I want to report you to BSF.' or `I want to report you to Pastor Chris.'' I don't why they have so much reporting to do. It is almost criminal the things they say. I am a perfectly fine person. Also, I don't know why they want to report me to my DG leader. As it is, my DG leader also want to report me to BSF. So, I am constantly under siege.

So that was a breeze of fresh air.

``So which school did you go to?'' She asked. She is an American Vietnamese or Vietnamese American. She was particularly interested in the school I attended in the US, being a teacher heself. I told her. She said,'' You must be very smart.''

``Oh, but I don't have to tell you the name of my school for you to know that I am smart.'' I said.

She threw her head backwards, her signature move, and laughed loudly.

She slapped her hand on my upper arm, still laughing and said,'' You joker, I joker.''

I was not joking. I stared at her, slightly hurt. (oooiii, I not joker and I am quite smart what? No meh?)

``Your baby is still very cute,'' I watched her laughing and reiterated what i said just now to show her how to be loving. One must compliment friends and not to call them jokers and also, one should not retract a compliment one has given just because one is called a joker. Such great example I set. I was proud of my act.

She laughed more and louder. ``You Joker. I also joker.''

Oii you, I am not a joker. Just when I thought people are nicer to me today. Hmmmm....

I reached home and an SMS came in from someone. ``Oh good to see you. very happy to see you today.'' Another person whom I hardly know.

I saw the message. I threw my head backwards and laughed.

Oh stop! I am getting spoilt.

Hard to love

By definition, today is a bad day. But I don't feel down. Maybe because I accept this is life and life has its bad days. So be it. I had a car accident, the bump on my knee was like a ping pong ball. I should have taken pictures. Never seen a ping pong ball on my knee before. Probably got to pay a thousand bucks to repair those cars.

With the ping pong ball on my knee, I got into an argument with my mom. She accused me of something I didn't do. I got really upset. Usually I would ignore her. Today, I wanted to defend myself, I wanted some form of a justice.

``What have I done that is so bad that I don't even get one compliment from you my whole entire life. It is fine that way. But to go further, you accuse me of things that I don't think I am capable of doing or thinking.'' I was my own defence lawyer and I was doing a bad job. Should have paid for service.

``Well, so that was why you left the house almost as soon as you got your first salary.'' She said.

``Yes, money bought my freedom, retain my sanity. Isn't it great? maybe i should get back on that rat race.'' Of course, I had no hope of her understanding and I didn't really care whether she got what I said. It doesn't matter. What matter is I can't choose not to love her. I can't choose to cut her off the way I cut off things or people once they give me grief.

``Why do you argue with your mom? you know she is not in her right mind.'' My dad said.

``If I don't do that, I won't be in my right mind.''

Then a phone call.

``Want to catch a movie.''

I breathed in deeply.

``Not really.''

``Ok, I know, it is really last minute. Are you doing something?''

``I am not doing anything. My only excuse is I am tired and nothing else. I know it is a bad excuse, almost selfish. How have you been?''

Details. I went quiet. That person was in need of company, some kind words, and a cheerful company. I wanted to be selfish. Then I thought I shouldn't. Then I thought what's the whole point. Then I thought, maybe I..

``Hey, you know what? I should go out. See you at Lido?''

At lido, I noticed a missed call. Usually I would ignore. But today, somehow, something was prompting me to reunite with the world, to care more for it. So I called. It was the lady whose car I bumped into.

``Ya I called earlier. I wanted to tell you that I am really giddy after the accident and my son is also feeling giddy.''

I kept quiet. I didn't want to give her what she wanted.

``I don't think my son can go to school tommorrow. I think we need to see doctors.''

Ya right. It was a slight bump. Your sons were laughing and thinking the accident was funny. Now one of them is feeling giddy or all of them?

It is people like her that make this world such an awful place. But I will take in what it has to offer, because? I don't know.

``Ok, I am so sorry. Just go see a doctor and send me whatever the bills.'' I said as politely as possible. (and yes, go get a full body check up and let me fly you to Bali for a short retreat for you and your sons to get over the shock. Please. And of course, the seats in the economy class are too crammed. You may get dizzy again. Please get business class or something. While you are there, go for a three-hour javanese massage and drink to your fill.)

(Right. I shouldn't be upset. I have to take in what my mom has dished out to me because there is this thing about honouring your parents? I can't call that woman a blaaatcchhh because I think there is this thing about loving your neighbours and foes. I can't choose to read a book at home in peace and be disconnected with the rest of the world because there is this thing about .......Who ask me to love these people again?)

``Hey D.''

``huh?''

``You want to come and see me model some G star jeans?''

(NO. I don't want to mingle with a bunch of people dressed in some high fashion with me attempting to do likewise, talk rubbish, while dressed in some levi jeans that are probably a quarter of the price of what those people wear. I want to stay at home and brace for some more rubbish my mom would deal me, and wait for a phone call from that dizzy woman and..)

``I would love to come.''

Hey, this is the best that I can do.

Last name

"Hello, Kee.''

huh? Only my driving instructor would call me that, not by my first name. But this voice over the phone is one of a ang-moh. So he couldn't be my chinese-speaking driving instructor.

''huh?!'' I said.

''You are such a rude person. This is not the first time you called me by my last name. How do you like it if I call you kee.''

sigh. I very busy lei. no time for this. ''Hahhaa. But you have such a cool last name, two syllables. Mine is a miserable single-syllabled last name, not cool.''

''Horrible girl. You shouldn't call me at 8 in the morning expecting me to be in the office at that time. You did that the last time too.''

Irritated, I replied: ''Ya, but you left me a message yesterday at 9 pm expecting me to be at the office.''

''oh...'' He said. (sigh...I have no social skills.)