It's clear now

I came across the name of a familiar city while checking Snow Patrol’s tour dates. The city was close to my heart and yet I remember so little of it.

Of the few things I remember about Chicago, I remember its summer. Chicago’s summer was brutally hot. I bought a denim short skirt, a pair of slippers from Gap and a window air-conditioner to help me get through summer. I was extravagant in Summer. I also bought a CD and watched two movies. I blew my budget, a really small budget that only permit me to spend 50 bucks per week.

Summer cleared the mist that was roiling the view. On the road leading to Fisk Hall, I had a good view of Evanston, of Medill, of Northwestern, of Lake Michigan. In summer, I did not hurry through them to get away from the cold as soon as possible. I took off from home much earlier everyday and took my time to walk to campus, to see all that I had missed during winter and to remember them. I realized also at that time I was missing more than the clear crystal view of the campus. The fact that I was a student, out of a rat race, out of a run-of-the-mill life, out of a blinding ambitious plan that I discovered what I cared most.

Trouble was, all I had at that time was just a revelation and it stirred up a layer of memory flakes precipitated from the past, jarring the view Summer had just cleared.

You’re all I have
By Snow Patrol

Strain this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

Just give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cos you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cos you are all that I have

You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cos you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cos you are all that I have

There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to

Lake House

I read Ebert’s review of The Lake House, which he gave a 3.5-star rating, which means he thinks the movie is pretty decent. Trouble is it is hard to believe he actually like the movie.

He said the movie works on two paradoxes, yet he mocked the two paradoxes that he said made the movie work. It is all very strange.

So I read on. I wanted to know.

The story is about a woman living in a lake house built on stilts. She is moving out and leaves a note for the next tenant. Then a series of correspondence ensues between the woman and the tenant. They write and come to love each other, except he thinks it is 2004 and she thinks it is 2006.

The woman and the tenant also share the same dog, besides living in the same lake house, just in two different times.

``Never mind. They also have the same dog. Never mind. I tell you, never mind!!’’ Ebert wrote.

So what is it Ebert? What is it that is in the movie that kept you watching and evoke a tenderness in you that had you rate it 3.5 stars even when you are obviously disturbed by the temporal disparity that violates your sensibility? Why, Ebert?

He finally offered – the romantic impulse. ``It makes us hope that the two people will somehow meet.’’ Never mind that he is in 2004 and that she is 2006. It is only two years apart. They have to meet, maybe in 2007, and ease our poor hearts.

The same impulse that is the origin of our indulgences of living out our romantic past and our secret hope that all that happened is just to build a stronger future so that when we meet again, all mistakes will be erased, and not remain as basis of my pensive thoughts. And we’ll meet again in 2007, never mind he is in 1999, and I am already in 2006.

The same impulse that had me wistfully watch the guy fell to his death after being hit by a car in a music video of the Korean version of Lake House, while the woman runs to write him a letter too late. Lake House is a remake of a Korean movie where the Sassy Girl is the woman. Lake House’s Keanu Reeves, the tenant, probably wouldn’t die. I wouldn’t know. But I will know soon. The romantic impulse will have me before the big screen, hoping the two will be able to work out the complicated time loop problem and meet!

Good Mood

``When is your church camp?'' N asked during lunch.

``Last week!''

``No wonder you are in such a good mood.''

``Oh really? I am in a good mood? I volunteered to XXX.''

``Oh wahhh...'' Then N broke into laughter. So terrible. I know it is unbelieveable. I am the devil. ``Ok, then I will get you that book by Josh McDowell for that.''

Last year church camp, I stayed in the hotel room most of the nights. I didn't get out to know people. It had been that way for many years. I am inward looking. I focus on myself. I read the bible to know how to resolve my issues, to eradicate the problems in my life. I wanted to serve but I was never ready. There are still so many problems, I had said. I am not ready, I had said.

``I don't think I can wait for all my problems to be resolved before I serve because I don't think they will be resolved. I will still have them. So the focus should change. I should read the bible in order to learn how to serve Him in whatever ministry I pick.'' I said. `` And something wonderful always happen during church camp. I got close to this person.''

``That's good. You guys have more things in common, more than you have with J,'' N said.

``J? Right.'' How did I get close to J? Perhaps I was a different person then.

Things change. Then, there are still things that wouldn't go away. There are questions still with no answers.

Someday I'll know why his face's still there when I am flipping pages of a good book.

Someday We'll Know
by New Radicals

90 miles outside chicago
Cant stop driving
I dont know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
Youre still on my mind
Whatever happened to emilia earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the titanic cry
Chorus:
Someday well know
If love can move a mountain
Someday well know
Why the sky is blue
Someday well know
Why I wasnt meant for you
Does anybody know the way to atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
Im speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight
(chorus)
Someday well know
Why samson loved delilah
One day Ill go
Dancing on the moon
Someday youll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why arent you here with me?
(chorus)
Someday well know
Why sampson loved delilah
One day Ill go
Dancing on the moon
Someday youll know
That I was the one for you
Postscript: seeing you in february was great
Cliches eventually all come true
Time heals all wounds
I went to get us our 9th drink
And you ran out the door with another guy
I woke up on the floor with my shoes on
A smile on my face and I didnt even care

A Mission-Centred Life

"how have you been?'' A friend asked.

"Good." my usual reply to this question.

``Are you attached?'' He asked.

``No, I am not seeing someone.'' This is going to turn into one boring conversation, I thought.

A thought came to my mind then. Why not use this opportunity to share the gospel with this unbelieving believer.

``Want to come to visit my church?''

``Sure. Tommorrow?''

``Another day. Not tommorrow.'' Not in the mood to bring someone to church tommorrow.

``Wait. are you asking me to look the building or to attend service?''

``Attend service of course. Why would I invite you to look at the building?''

``Then why don't you invite me to attend service?''

Irritated.

``How's your walk with God?''

``Bad. You got to save me.''

``I can't save you. God Can.''

``I mean you got to help save me.''

``What do you believe in?''

``I believe in God.''

``Believe that is a God?''

``yes.''

``satan also believe there is God. What is the difference between you and the devil?''

Long silence.

``No difference. I am the devil.''

``Like that. no one can save you.''

``Then why did you invite me to church.''

``I didn't know you are the devil then. Maybe you would like to pick up Revelation to find out what would happen to you at end times.''

``......''

End of evangelistic attempt.

A Perfect Love Story

A perfect love story. It would be soon be mine. It has to be. No excuse. Whatever I have written so far on my own are not perfect and may be described as sad, pathetic and at best, poignantly sweet, but not perfect. There are no magic. Some stories were made into movies, but later went straight to cable, without their moments on the big screen. They showed promising start but ended in rather sad notes. So I admit I am not a good writer. I struggled even stringing together a sentence that would start the story.

I pick up sometimes the old scripts that are now in tatters. I wanted to know in my anguish what went wrong. Will my limited intellect allow me to understand this or come to terms with what had happened so far? I patched some of them with my memories, stiched some of my favorite stories together with hope. I can’t get rid of the fact that I fail as a writer.

I read them again sometimes and remind myself that I will never write again. So the next love story is going to be perfect because I am not the writer. It is in much capable hands.

Would I find faults with the story? Would I read it with a mean critical eye? Can it really be perfect? Why would it be perfect?

So in those moments of doubt, the urge to write it on my own comes up.

``I think I will go out with that catholic,’’ I said.

``No, you shouldn’t,’’ N said.

``Why not? He’s really cute.’’ I said. And well-paid, which means I can get all those shoes, I continued in my mind.

``No, because you will feel guilty going out with a catholic and you will spend most of your time thinking miserably about what you have done. Then you will engage in pre-marital sex and feel even worse about yourself. He will later dump you and leave you devastated. And I have to come in and pick up the pieces,’’ N said in one breath.

I stared at N in disbelief with great annoyance. How did he come up with all that? Some kind of a prophet. Why would a person with a sound mind come up with all that?

I looked away, grudgingly, though I mentally called off the phone call I was hoping to make in the afternoon to schedule drinks so that I can wear my new dress.

``You should go out with the civil servant that I have earmarked for you,’’ N said.

Looking annoyed, ``I don’t think he wants to be earmarked and he is not a civil servant anymore. You know he quit?’’ My eyes narrowed.

``He doesn’t like you?’’

``No, he doesn’t. And I don’t like him either.’’ Super annoyed. It is one of the rare things in my life that is perfect. I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Perfect.

``How about AAAAA?’’

``Yes. He is perfect. Civil servant.’’ I said with sarcasm.

What has He earmarked for me?

I think of my stories, those scripts that are in tatters. They are not perfect because they are about coming of age, they are about growing up and why it is so difficult, and they are about falling in love and why they don’t last and yet they last forever. They are my stories, all mine, written by me, no matter how bad they are, no matter how heartbroken I had been.

Life could be as great as it could be. I know that before I got scared and cynical. Now, I just need Him and there is always a song.


Now
By John David Webster

Tonight, it's all black and white, The sky is so quiet But inside a battle’s raging wild. Why do I fight? Why do I fight Heaven's love? When all I need, is more of you in me
Now, I need you now More than the air I'm breathing Now, Yes I'm crying out from the depths of my inmost being. Now, come have your way with me. Yes, I need you now....
The dawn chases the dark, out of my heart, As tears of gladness roll. They wash over me, like the waves of the sea, Shouting out their hallelujahs
And I am free, with more of you in me
Now, I need you now More than the air I'm breathing. Now, Yes I'm crying out, from the depths of my inmost being. Now, come have your way with me. Stay close and never leave, Until you're the heart that beats, Inside of me
I need you now, I need you now, I'm crying out,more than the air I breathe
Yes I need you now, yes I'm crying out, And all I need...... Is more of you in me now
I need you now........ Yes I need you now.
There is more of you in me now.