A long journey ahead

"hey, what would you like for Xmas?" G asked.

"Hmmm...." I said.

"Well...besides happiness and love....lalalala..." He rolled his eyes and said.

Well, besides happiness and love, what else is there to wish for. Whatever I receive would be quite meaningless. Of course, I have to do the sociable thing, offer a less than honest answer without spoiling a seemingly good lunch conversation. Sometimes, honesty is unwaranted especially when it is from my self-serving morality.

"eerr....ski trip." I said.

"You know how to ski," he asked?

"No."

"then don't forget to ask Santa for for some skiing lessons too." He said. "So ski trip and lessons."

"ok."

What is there that the world can offer that could make me happy? Sports car, gucci bags, ski trip, .....all these I can do without. They are nothing to me, really. A marriage, a boyfriend, a family, kids....those I can do without also, if my life is going to end tommorrow, what difference does it make whether I have a sports car or a wedding in two week's time marrying a guy whom I love. So the problem is that I am kicking and alive? The problem is because I am kicking and alive, I am in constant search of better life situations, whether it is the ability to own and drive a sports car, or carrying that gucci bag or that ski trip or that perfect guy, or that perfect family.

So should I remove the root of the problem?

So put your hope in God. Ok. But I can do that even if I am not in this world.

It is a long journey ahead. As I as I live, I have to deal with the meaninglessness of it all.

Give me Novacaine

Bitter sweet migrane. Give me Novocaine.

There are demons to deal.

"D, do you know your priorities?" a friend asked during lunch yesterday.

"Yes. First, God. Second, Family. Third, Friends?"

"No. Wrong!" He said.

Persecuted.

"First God, Second Husband. Third Kids, Fourth, Parents.......Ministry fifth or sixth..." He explained.

I figure I rank really low in priorities in other people's life, somewhere down the list scrapping the ground. I wonder what that means to friendship. I would start at No. 3 or 4 and later retreat to 6 or 7. So I shouldn't blame friends who suddenly have no time for you, even for lunch, once they are hitched, because it is accordance to godly priorities. That really made me feel lousy. So are friends just some kind of a pastime until the right person comes along? Should I retreat to my seclusion just listening to my ipod and care less about going out for fellowship because it is all a waste of time, you are not contributing a future. At some point, you would be cut off.

According that list of priorities, it sucks to be single then. The marrieds have God and they have someone who will place them as 2nd priorities, bumping their friends out. Unfair, so it sounds. Should I distance myself from friends who want to get married eventually. Why waste my time developing those friendships which one day will fade. There is no point, isn't it?

I want to be single, but I don't want to be scrapping the ground in someone else's list, like you are worth so little.

Should I cut off all ties? No man can be an island? Say who? Haven't you read About A Boy?

So you can say God is sufficient for thee. If He is sufficient, why the need for friends?

I know there is something wrong with this logical deduction because I know He didn't set out to sabotage the singles, but I don't know what it is. I know He didn't set out for me to be an Island. I know He didn't set out for me to cut people off. He didn't set out for me to stay in my room to read and listen to my ipod. It can't be right. But I can't see it now. I have a small mind and now there is a throbbing toothache in my mind. So, give me novacaine. Quell the swelling. It is breaking me.

Wardrobe police

I had lunch today after service with a few people, including 10 year-old Josh. He sat beside me.

“Hey, your shirt is too transparent. Why do you want to wear something so transparent?” Josh asked.

“It is NOT TRANSPARENT!” I was shocked that it came from a 10 year-old boy.

“It is,” Josh insisted. “Why do you like to wear something so transparent? You should wear something NOT transparent.”

“IT IS NOT TRANSPARENT.” I almost shouted.

"You like wearing transparent clothes?" Josh asked.

"I don't like wearing transparent clothes. My SHIRT is not transparent." I said as sternly as possible.

I am sure he would sing a different tune 10 years later. Ten years later, he wouldn't mind women wearing transparent clothes.

We both went quiet and went back to our food. I decided to be friendly and break the ice. That was not a good First conversation. With much practice at friendship breaks, I was sure I could handle conversations with 10 year-old Josh. I found out he plays tennis.

“Josh, we should get together one day to play tennis.” I said. “I would like to play with you.”

“How’s your service?” Josh asked.

“Not too bad. I could get most in court.” I said.

“You know, some times people like to exaggerate.” Josh said.

Annoyed, I said: “Yes, I am sure. But I am not an ACS boy with a major ego that is difficult to quell that he has to resort to using exaggeration to keep it inflated.”

I was being a big bully.

Josh’s parents at that moment were trying not to laugh.

"......" Josh said.

“You are such a ACS boy, Josh.” I continued with a little frown.

“yeah…hahaha…..ACS boys like to talk talk talk talk, right?” Josh said and then he laughed.

I went back to my food. I had done my best. I had nothing in common with 10 year-old Josh.

Minutes later….

“You should wear tighter pants.” Josh said. “I can see your panties. They are showing.”

Super annoyed, “Why aren’t eating YOUR LUNCH? What are you doing looking at my pants and not eating your food?”

“Oh,…err….. but you should really wear tighter pants.”

A rock moment

Those who really love rock music will know what it means by “The Moment” when you hear something really awesome. I am not talking about when you hear something you like and you say “This song rocks!” I am talking about a moment when the music gives you a total body bliss and makes your jaws drop in disbelief that you have found it. Then for the next few days, you carry your ipod with you playing the song over and over again, on the MRT, walking on the streets, fighting against traffic, waiting for friends. You take it with you everywhere you go. Sometimes, you can’t wait to say goodbye to your friends so that you can go back to your ipod.

That Moment.

That moment, when the music makes your ears ring….really ring!

For a few days, I wouldn't be able to put my earphones down. For a few days, the song would be pumping loudly in my room and I would be dancing, jumping on the floor, on my bed, until it is time for bed.

I have been chasing those moments more than half my life, since AHA’s Take on me gave me my first moment. Those were the Tears for Fears, AHA, Wilson Philips’ days.

When I was young and immature and had no sense of social proprieties, I would verbally abuse some poor fellows for their lack of taste when they told me a band they liked which I hated. As a young girl, I was feisty and I was verbally powerful. Now that I am older, I have learnt to walk away fairly quickly when the urge to abuse a poor fellow starts to surge.



“Oh, that band…I know. I know…..Hey, I need a drink…talk to you later.” You would catch me say.

I hunt for “those moments” when I am not chasing stories, listening to the radio stations, browsing websites, browsing CD shops. I have a lot to thank for in this Internet age. It makes my hunting so much easier. Pitchforkmedia is my best friend.

You got to have juvenile tastes to like rock. My tastes have not really "grown up." I still like Aztec Camera's Oblivious, a song Roddy Frame wrote when he was 19. All the stuff you see and hear on MTV is made for kids in their puberty. Look at Blink 182’s Enema of The State, it is not fitting for a sophisticated working adult. But after work when I am in the seclusion of my room, I would dance to Blink 182's First Date to the drum beats of Travis Barker, dressed still in my stockings and my corporate suit.

Athough my music tastes have gone beyond rock to include Tom Waits, Joni Mitchell and KD Lang, although I would kill for a KD Lang concert ticket the way I would for a ticket to a Radiohead concert, the moment a rock song gives me reduces me to an excitable nerd more than a new album launched by KD Lang.

Tom Waits’ songs make me want to pick up a glass of whisky and slowly sip it, a rock song gives me that “moment” where I want to jump, dance, scream…....go wild. For that five minutes, I am in a total bliss.


The urge for that moment is huge. It is in my blood. I scour websites, CD shops, friends’ playlists, across genres, from alternative to punk to hard rock, from popular bands to unknown ones. When it arrives, I would be reduced to a teenaged girl in a gripe of a crush. If you ask, I would say in an almost breathless tone, “This is really good!”

It is hard to explain. You have to be there.

Current moments given by - Dogs Die in Hot Cars.

My husband

I met N for lunch. He finally had time for me. I waited four days.

“So how’s your XXX?” N asked.

“Oh, I went for just one leadership class and we are close for the season and will start only next year.” I said.

“Can I come visit?”

“No lar, that is for women only. Why don’t you go back to your one, that one is for both men and women…..walau. you only attended one time and remember, you came back telling me you met my husband…..choiiii…..walau, after you cursed him like that, he is still single now, so poor thing….you anyhow say.”

“hahahahhaha…..” N laughed.

A couple of years back, N went for a bible study session somewhere in town and met some people at that session, one of which he identified as my husband.

“Oii…D….I met your husband the other day.”

“Who?”

“He is well-built, civil servant. You should marry a civil servant. Christian. Attends your church some more. Perfect!”

“Who is that?” I said, annoyed. How can he anyhow pick some random at some bible study session and said that he is my husband? No discernment of any sort. I held my cool but was quite annoyed with N.

“He is good for you. Works for the government, very steady guy. You need someone solid” N said. N went on to peddle the merits of that random to me and that really annoyed me, because he did that just to annoy me.

A random conversation like that would have been forgotten except that I met that Random N mentioned one year later.

“Are you from XXX?” I asked the Random because he kind of fit the profile that N described.

“Are you working for XXX?” I asked.

Random looked a little shocked. “How did you know?”

“Did you attend a bible study session one year ago at XXXX?” I asked.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW?” He asked, almost shouted. I could see him shuddering with fear. Even I shuddered with fear because of the coincidence.

“I am psychic.” I said and grimaced. (walau, you are the guy N said I should marry)

I contemplated whether I should make a marriage proposal to him and help N fulfill his prophecy when I stopped. I should not spoil his life and mine.

I called N that night. “You idiot. I met my husband, that civil servant.” I said. “You anyhow picked some random on the street and said he is my husband.”

“Haaahhhahaaaa……” N laughed for a long while. “Ya, you should marry him.”

“You are an idiot. I don’t want to marry a civil servant. You mad izzit.”

From then on, N called him “my husband.”

And I met “my husband” quite often without prior arrangement. Once at a friend’s place where we were both invited for dinner.

“Oii…I always bump into “my husband”” I said to N.

“Hhahahahhaaa………yalor, you should just marry him. He is your husband.” N said, chuckling away.

“Very funny meh. You are very irritating.” I said, annoyed.

Cartoons - Lighter side of things

I was out for coffee with KT at TCC.

"Oii, never reply to my SMS.....I sent....some people...." KT said.

"hoorr....." I turned and saw a number of colourful pictures on the wall.

"I sent.......called......so you don't reply to smses now....buzzzzz......." Somehow, KT's voice turned into a buzz.

"hmmm....." I turned to KT and said. "Oii. I go and look at the pictures ok."

I walked up and checked out the colourful pictures that were hanging on the wall. They were for sale and were by this Norwegian cartoonist Einstein Kristiansen. He drew some cool stuff. I like the picture of a Cow with a distorted face. The picture is called Cow Rock. Heh. heh. That's like me when I go crazy listening stuff that I like. I should get that picture to hang on my wall.

"So....you are very busy now? Cannot reply to SMSes." KT said.

"Wow, that picture very nice." I said.

(Aiyah...I don't answer to SMSes sometimes, don't like that lar....When there is a stream of SMSes coming in, it is very difficult to reply to all. I got weak thumbs. But I still love you, KT. I will buy you coffee, don't grumble already lar.)

We had a good chat. KT is a conversationalist. (see, I praise you. can you let me go.)

"Oii, I am worried for you, you know. you are not going to get yourself a boyfriend, izzit? you are not getting younger lei" (oiiii, no one gets younger, people get older....I rather you nag at me about the SMSes. I need that picture COW ROCK!)

"I went out with this girl who brought me to church....she got a huge crush on me at that time, I was 16....I can tell when people have crushes on me, even now."

"Really? How do you tell? I can never tell whether a guy has a crush on me or not." I said.

"You are dense, that's why?" KT said. (This KT is very hard on me today......I need that picture COW ROCK!)

"Then we friend, you help me lar. you be my "crush sensor"" I said.

"Don't want.....you never reply my sms." KT said. (what's with this guy?.....I need that picture COW ROCK!)

I paid for the bill and while walking out of the coffee place, KT said, "I sent you an SMS the other day and you never replied...."

(oiii....you huh! From now on, I will definitely reply to yours, KT, and also immediately. And I need that picture COW ROCK!)

I am going to get that picture COW ROCK. Persecution by friends is too stressful. I need to look at the lighter side of things.

Peppy 80s tunes and Indie Rock

These two days, I hardly have the time to think about anything except learning the complex system of B***. The only things in my head are the songs on my ipod.

I am listening to:

Somewhere in my heart by Aztec Camera – yes? So what if it is a 1980s production. Roddy Frame is ahead of his time. I still like this song.

Somewhat Off The Way, I Love You Cause I Have To and Man Bites Man by Dogs Die in Hot Cars – fairly new band, fairly new album. They only have one album to their name, released last year. It is good if you like peppy 80s tunes. Well, they got me listening to Somewhere in my heart again.

Want something less 80s? Well, I am listening to Run by Snow Patrol.

My main music news source is pitchforkmedia. It is Chicagoan. Do I need to say more? I am a fiercely loyal individual. Well, I don’t always like what they recommend though, like Art Brut? I don’t see its appeal, really. Other times, I get my songs from browsing Gramophone and HMV.

So, tell me, tell me, where do you get your songs from?

Run
By Snow Patrol.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

A dog and its vomit

Because Pulp gave me one song, Like a Friend, I pledged my loyalty. Though I don’t like some of their albums, I would buy them and not listen to them. I don’t really appreciate IT or Freaks, but I have them. I bought Freaks twice because I thought I lost the first one.

If any one asks me who is my favorite band, like a dutiful fan, I would faithfully say it is Pulp.

They bought me over with just one song. I listened to it over and over again and it has been for a number of years. I have never grown tired of the song.

It probably isn’t the lush arrangement or the drums or the guitar or the Jarvis’ singing that draws me to the song. It is the lyrics probably, whether it is "wipe your feet on my dreams" or “You take up my time like some cheap magazines” or “when I could have been learning something” or “You are the dream I never should have caught” or “Like a film that’s so bad but I’ve got to stay till the end.”

Like a dog going back to its vomit, I am back singing this song.


Like a Friend
by Pulp

Don't bother saying you're sorry / Why don't you come in
Smoke all my cigarettes again / Every time I get no further
How long has it been? / Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams
You take up my time / Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean, oh / I've done this before
And I will do it again / Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend / Oh and I'll come running
Just to do it again / You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk / You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end
Let me tell you now: it's lucky for you that we're friends.

A song dedication

To celebrate the demise of the Marxx's singlehood, I am dedicating this song to him. Congrats that he got the "first on his list."


Yesterday threw everything at me
by Athlete

Switch on the light, between each other
Elevated to your side, Now I'm nervous
It's time to tell you honestly, so we can alter history

You are, first on my list,
When everything around is gone I know
You are, first on my list,
When everything is shown up for what it is

Plastic flowers that fight for colour
Shadows floating on the ground, that always follow
Like international acclaim, it comes and goes never the same

You are, first on my list,
When everything around is gone I know
You are, first on my list,
When everything is shown up for what it is

And I will run with it
And sunlight will break into my eyes
And it seems like you plugged the world in
‘cause sunlight is streaming from your eyes

You are, first on my list,
When everything around is gone I know
You are, first on my list,
When everything is shown up for what it is

Let's take our time, it won't change over night
We got a chance we didn't have before
Let's take our time, it won't change over night
We got a chance we didn't have before

You are, first on my list,
When everything around is gone I know
You are, first on my list,
When everything is shown up for what it is

Listening to....

I bought the latest ipod to replace the one that I lost/stolen on the way to the camp. Loaded all my playlists and now listening to Athlete's Tourist. That album has a number of good ones - Wires,Street Map, Yesterday throw everything at me, Twenty Four Hours....

Also from Tourist

Listening to If I found out

Out of energy
I don't know what to do with myself
Made it eventually
And now I'm resting on the very last breath

And all I needed was this one
To get me back on my way
It wasn't long before I realised
There was no time to waste
There was soul all around me
Everybody let go
It wasn't long before we realised
There was no time to waste

Like I'm eleven again
I was the highest kid in the world
Reached a point with no end
Just looking out so I can take it all in

And all I needed was this one
To get me back on my way
It wasn't long before I realised
There was no time to waste
There was soul all around me
Everybody let go
It wasn't long before we realised
There was no time to waste
All I needed was this one
To get me back on my way
It wasn't long before I realised
There was no time to waste

(Oooh soul, Oooh soul)

I thank you for soul
No point unless you got soul
This world has got to have soul
Looking round for your soul
Digging down digging down digging down to your soul
And I found out you got soul
You'll be Holding out all your soul
Lifting up all your soul
Cos I thank you for soul

Strange conversations

A friend called me a few hours ago. He had been traveling for the last few weeks, one country after another. He asked me about my latest. So I told him.

He was shocked at how involved I am with the bible study groups.

“What??? Don’t tell me it is a joke ok.”

“No it is not a joke.”

“Walau? Cannot drink lar?”

“Hallo. I dun drink a lot what. And I don’t party like crazy. What are you talking about?”

“Yes, you drink, remember your party?”

“Hallo that was three years ago. You are still using that incident as an example. One incident and I am marked for life.”

He laughed.

“Since when you see me partying? I don’t know how you get that image of me as a party girl.”

“Got, you vomited into someone’s mouth.”

“What????!!!!!! You sure you got the right person? I didn’t do that. Are you crazy?”

I sighed. I breathed heavily. I felt I was on trial. That was not the first time I had to correct people’s image of me. How did they get that image in the first place? The music I listen to? The way I dressed? Sigh…more to examine.

“Oii, you sure or not. Date people from your church? Your church Presbyterian church, very boring one.”

“……” I couldn’t handle the conversation.

“Those guys can’t satisfy you one lar.”

“Hey, what are you talking about?!!!” I sounded irritated.

I didn’t know how to go on, so I quickly change the subject, “So how was your trip?” The conversation then veered to a more comfortable zone.

When he invited me to a thanksgiving dinner, I cringed. Oh no, I wonder whether I could handle more strange conversations.

“Oi, come lar, meet some cute Kellog guys.”

“I don’t want to meet Kellog guys.” I frowned. "I met enough at school already."

“Maybe they are presbysterian.” He laughed.

“Walau you.” He was making fun at me. I know. I sighed.

How do you handle conversations like that and still keep your cool.

Well, he is a catholic. How about conversations with a Christian? I had one yesterday.

“As long as you know there is a God, a supreme being who created the world, it is ok. No need to listen to all these people. They interpret the bible different.” He said and he is a 50-year-old christian attending New Creation.

“Ok,” I said.

“So there are people who think that Muslims are not going to heaven. How can they think that way? Christians you know these people.”

Errr……this is really bad. Another strange conversation.

“You think the muslims will have salvation of eternal life?” I asked.

“Yes, They are all descendants of Haggai. Sarah and Haggai all one big family years ago. These Muslims believe that there is a supreme being who has created the world. As long as you belong there is a God, you are saved.”

I frowned. Walay, this is very bad. This is a person who has been a Christian almost all his life, serving in his church and two of his uncles are pastors. How did this happen?

“Hoorrr…..” I said and grimaced. I wanted to get out of the room. I couldn’t handle the conversation. But I knew I couldn’t leave it like that.

“Errr….The devil also believe that there is a God or else who is the devil waging a war against? So what is the different between the devil’s belief, the muslims’ belief and our belief?” I asked, hoping that would leave him with some room for thoughts.

He went silent.

Wow, good. So we can end the conversation. I really don’t want it to turn ugly.

He looked thoughtful.

Can I go now?

“So what is your definition of belief?”

In this postmodern age, we ask for definitions a lot.

I offered mine. He looked thoughtful for a while.

I sighed. I probably will have more conversations with him again and more strange conversations at that thanksgiving dinner, which I had agreed to go. As much as I hate it, I can’t really avoid conversations like that. I know. I have to live among the people, be in the world and not of the world.

The absolute truth

While there are many things that are in various shades of grey, the bible is black and white, it is the absolute truth, so I have realized.

A year-long lesson from my Lord taught me well.

I have been a victim of the postmodern world, which promotes relativism whereby nothing is absolute. I used those views to doubt the bible, using my own discretion to sift out what needs to be applied.

It is up to your own interpretation, I had said. How can you say this is the absolute? It is open to different interpretations. I had said. Really, it is up to the individual how she applies.

I have been looking at my world through a postmodern scope.

I appreciate the postmodern scholars’ studies. Much of those studies are valuable. Yes, human language is imprecise, is ambiguous, is volatile. Yes, human experience and culture shape our understanding and hence the truth we have come to know. Hence, there is no absolute truth. Truth is relative, those scholars offer.

So anything goes. Someone’s moving his bowel in the public is a form of art. Creativity is when cornflake boxes are glued together with coke cans.

When the Word conflicts with my own selfish desire, embracing relativism dampens my ability to acknowledge that the Bible, the Word is the absolute truth.

When it comes to the bible, there should be no private interpretation. The Holy Spirit dwelling in me will tell me what is the absolute truth. However, when the familiar voice from the serpent says, “did God really said that?”, I am all too ready to give in to my sinful nature and build my own truth based on the bible.

From that hard lesson that has kept me pretty low for a long period of time, I realized that the doubts that I had about His Word did not come from the difficulty of interpreting His Word. It came from my reluctance to give in to the authority of His Word and just obey, especially when by obeying, my selfish desires would be left unfulfilled.

So from now on, more obedience, less intellectual relativism.

GB/BB Camp

The experience of the GB/BB camp can be summed up in a few ways.

There were moments where I was encouraged, discouraged, slightly irritated, had my ego bruised, perplexed, confused and amused.

I was encouraged when I witnessed the faithfulness of the God’s people giving up their time so that seeds could be sowed in the minds of those kids.

I was encouraged when I saw the goodness of these kids, when they looked out for me, brought me food and milo and cleaned up after me. I was touched.

I have also learnt a few things about kids.

They can bruise your ego.

Kid: Hallo, mdm.
Me: Hallo
Kid: My name is Yan Dao (means handsome)
Me: ok. My name is chio bu (how else could I have responded?)
Kid: No lar, mdm, chio bu is the other one.
Me: …….. (what do you expect to say?)

They can be very persistent.

On the second day:
Kid: Mdm, where were you? Cannot find you during fire drills lei.
Me: ……

On the third day:
Kid: Mdm. Cannot find you during fire drills. Where were you huh?
Me: …….

On the final day:
Kid: Mdm, where were you huh? Fire drills that time?
(ooiii, go home liao, still ask.)
Me: don’t ask lei.
Kid: where were you? Really? Tried to look for you everywhere.
Me: (took a deep breath) I was taking my shower la. Can’t expect me to run out wrapped in my towel right?
Kid: Oh…..

They can be very alpha male.

During the hike,

Kid: Mdm, don't worry. I will protect you if the dogs run out.
Me: ok, thanks

Then we passed by a house and the dogs in the house started barking. The kid got a fright and ran off. Sigh....boy, you still need a few years of training before you can be an alpha male.

Then there were other times when I was parked in the middle of some strange conversations.

Mentor Male A: You said you have natural curls. Don't have lei.
Visitor to the camp: Have. you see. (start stroking his hair) see, you see, very curled.
Mentor female A: .......
Me: .......
Mentor Male: No, that is not very curled. Mine is. (start stroking his hair with visitor still stroking his hair)
(I looked at the mentor male A and then the visitor to the camp. Hmmm....is it hair stroking time?)
Visitor: Aiya, I put gel today, so it is not very curled. Usually, it is very curled. (still stroking his hair)
Mentor Male: oh ya, that Loreal Studio FX
Mentor Female A:........
Me:........

Then I finally spoke.
Me: This is a very strange conversation.
Mentor Male: Oh, we had this conversation before about our curls.

(Ok, great that you guys have such conversations on a regular basis. Enjoy, enjoy.)

Mentor Male B: The more I speak to you, the more I respect you.
(exactly how low was your respect for me in the first place, dude?)
Me: You didn't have any respect for me before?
Mentor Male B: Err.....(trying to untie his tongue)

And there were times when we showed our sisterly love:

Mentor Female B (in the bathroom with a large group of GBs waiting to shower): Hey, you go use the bathroom first?
Me: Oh, thanks. You go first
Mentor Female B; No lar you go first. you waited very long
(the roomful of girls watched on)
Me: No no, you go first.
Mentor Female: No, you go.
Me; It is really ok.
Mentor: you go, really.
A GB finally said: you all want to fight until when?

Powerful, feisty and successful

NY Times Columnist Maureen Dowd has been receiving attention for her personal outbursts of her single life, so claimed Guardian in a recent article Powerful, feisty, successful ... maybe that's why the lady can't get a date.

“The pundit of the New York Times threw her well-manicured hands up in the air last week and declared that today's brainy and powerful women can't get a man because they scare them off. Men, she said, preferred to dumb down when looking for love.” Guardian wrote.

So much has been written about men wanting to dumb down. I can’t blame them. Usually intelligent strong women don’t come with a submissive nature.

Submissiveness, I think, is not just a necessary trait in maintaining a marriage but also in maintaining all forms of relationships – child-parent, friends. It is necessary to reduce tension and hence the abrasiveness of human interaction.

If I am submissive, I think I can manage both a Pulitzer prize and a man.

Maybe it is not about the intelligence or the power or the success. Intelligence in itself is attractive. An intelligent woman is interesting.

Maybe it is the exertion of the female power and thus upsetting the balance in a traditional male-female relationship.

Dowd wrote: '…..the aroma of male power is an aphrodisiac for women, but the perfume of female power is a turnoff for men….”

According to the article: “Dowd related how normally assertive women told her they were forced to chose between reverting to a 1950s domestic drone or a coquette if they wanted a husband, or even a date, dumbing themselves down in order to reassure and lure men - and stop them running off with the secretary/nanny/researcher/public relations assistant.”

Well, well, this is yet another unsavory ramification of the feminist movement.

While these strong women complain about men wanting to dumb down, would they really be happy going out with someone less intelligent than them? Would any girl want to go out with someone who’s less intelligent than she is? So why are there all these complaints?

I want to be with an equal. How else can I enjoy a good conversation?

Control

I am starting work in a week’s time. It will be one more week of leisure, of hiding under my covers with my ipod and books, writing, sipping lattes in the afternoons while other people are at work. Then, it will be a new place, a new schedule, new colleagues, possibly a new life.

I am starting to get the jitters. The fear is similar to the one I felt when I was in Primary school when school was about to start. I panicked and started looking for my canvas shoes and my kiwi polish. Then I panicked more when I couldn’t find my shoes or I found my shoes without the laces or discovered the white kiwi polish had turned yellow. When my parents were too busy with their lives to bring me to Bata, I started to wish to I could grow up very quickly. As a kid, you are hardly in control of your life. BB/GB camp reminded me of that. I would hate it if I had to go through those fire drills.

Now I am all grown up, I have my hands and feet on most areas of my life. I am still fearful facing a new station of my life. That same fear creeps in again – that same fears of not finding my shoes and kiwi polish and the many what ifs? I know now how huge life circumstances could be. No matter how much strength, both mental and physical, I use to steer the direction of the wind or summon the rain, I couldn’t do it all the time. There were times where I felt powerless, where my will was weak. I raised my hands up and shouted the magic words that had worked well so many times and they all failed me. Those times taught me how small I could be, how powerless I could be.

Those times I had sit in a hot tub of water and played Tom Waits as loud as possible, focusing my mind on solutions. Tom Waits's coarse voice singing The Piano Has Been Drinking didn't help. On other times I ran increasing the distance from 2km to 5km and later 10km. The adrenaline pumped me up. Still I was as powerless as ever. Then I started playing tennis every morning 7am, dancing almost every night, making turns after turns. Still, I was powerless before those circumstances.

I fear I would lose control again. My hands won't be on the steering wheel. What if I can’t park the bus again because someone plants a bomb on my bus and I have to drive it above 50mph and Keanu Reeves is nowhere in sight?

Eventually, I found the solution - let go and let my Lord take control.

I have got to let go. That 20-year plan which I had worked on over the last weeks probably won’t materialize. My Lord likes to surprise me.

My Lord had taught me through various very painful lessons that I won’t be in control of my life. He has the control. If I do not use my strengths according to His Will, He will intervene. As much as I want to reduce the uncertainties and exert my own will power, He will throw in uncertainties such that the only thing I could do would be to trust Him and persevere. My strengths are not to be used that way, He had warned.

I will be mindful.

In the meantime, hey hey, why worry, it’s party time for another week. I will put on my dancing shoes at least once more this week.

Errr…where are my shoes and my suits?